When should you add a coworker on Facebook?

Techtiquette answers your burning questions about the proper way to use technology in social situations.

Dear Hope,

My friend has a hard and fast rule about being friends with her coworkers on Facebook: Don't do it, and maybe never do it, even if you or they leave the company.

I just graduated from college, and am in my first full-time job. Should I follow her advice? Or is it OK to be friends with them online? What about LinkedIn, Twitter and Instagram?

To say you won't connect with coworkers online is erring on the side of caution -- especially if their opinion of you can impact your professional and financial life.

Bosses who follow certain employees and comment or like their posts on Twitter (TWTR) or Instagram can be accused of favoritism. Coworkers may fret over pictures from parties they weren't invited to, adding nastiness to office politics. Secret job searches no longer stay secret if you publish a suspicious update to your LinkedIn (LNKD) profile.

There are real examples of people who have been fired because of social media posts too. Last year, a hospital worker in Houston was let go from her job after she published violent thoughts about Ferguson protesters on her Facebook page. In April, a veterinarian was fired from her job after she posted a photo of a stray cat she shot with an arrow.

Even if you're careful about what you post, you can't control what others do. A well-meaning friend can drag your personal details out of the shadows with just one tag. Strangers can call out your activities and land you in hot water.

Scary consequences aside, there can be many benefits to friending your co-workers on social media (as long as you stay vigilant about your behavior). Creating a personal bond outside of the office can build camaraderie quickly. And the longer you stay at a job, desk buddies, bosses and mentors can become some of your best friends, so keeping in touch online will become a natural extension of your relationships.

Ultimately, your decision should come down to two things: how you view your Facebook account and the specifics of your job.

Is Facebook a glorified phone book that you don't really update? Do you see it as your personal fan club, where you try to friend as many people as possible and post as much stuff about your life as possible? Do you work for a small, casual company? Then adding coworkers probably doesn't matter much.

But if your office mates aren't people who would understand or appreciate your after-hours lifestyle, or if you prefer to keep a strict boundary between your work and personal life, then you have the perfect reasons to say no.

Debater Rani Shah argues in favor of adding colleagues online, alongside her guest Susan McPherson, author of The Lost Art of Connecting. Maren Hotvedt comes out against the practice, supported by Dr. Casey S. Pierce, an assistant professor in the School of Information at the University of Michigan, who shares the risks of merging your online and work selves.

Episode References

• Pew Research Center, “Social Media and the Workplace” report: https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2016/06/22/social-media-and-the-workplace/
• Rewire article, “Do I have to Follow my Coworkers on Social Media” (featuring Dr. Casey S. Pierce): https://www.rewire.org/do-i-have-to-follow-co-workers-on-social-media/
• Ask A Manager blog, “How Can I Avoid my Boss on Social Media?” https://www.askamanager.org/2018/06/how-can-i-avoid-my-boss-on-social-media.html
• Harvard Business Review article by Susan McPherson: “How Much of Your ‘Authentic Self’ Should You Really Bring to Work?” https://hbr.org/2021/02/how-much-of-your-authentic-self-should-you-really-bring-to-work
• Igloo Software, “The State of Social Media in the Workplace” report: https://www.igloosoftware.com/blog/infographic-the-state-of-social-media-in-the-workplace/#:~:text=As%20our%202018%20State%20of,connected%20on%20Facebook%20than%20LinkedIn.

Transcript

Christine Dela Rosa:
Welcome to Work Check, an original podcast from Atlassian, where we take everyday workplace practices and debate if they're actually working for us. And today, we're asking should you add your coworkers on social media? I'm your host, Christine Dela Rosa, who is still learning how to maintain healthy friendships in the physical world, let alone connecting with coworkers online. Joining me today to debate this question, we have Rani Shah, whose claim to fame is that she made a viral TikTok video in 2020 that currently has over 185,000 likes. Holy smokes, that's a lot!

Rani Shah:
Thank you. And to answer any follow-ups, no, I don't have any others. I am a one-hit-TikTok wonder.

Christine Dela Rosa:
And debating Rani today is Maren Hotvedt, who tells me that her dog's Instagram is more active than her own.

Maren Hotvedt:
Got to keep her fans happy with fresh content.

Rani Shah:
I'm going to need a link to that Instagram.

Christine Dela Rosa:
All right. Before we get into the debate, let's all get on the same page. When we say social media, we're talking about Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter – all the places where people tend to post about their personal lives. We are not talking about LinkedIn, for example, because that's the kind of platform designed specifically for professional networking. As your judge, I'm looking for the most persuasive stories and evidence to help me declare the winner of today's debate. So with that in mind, Rani, on the pro side, tell us: why should you connect with your coworkers on social media?

Rani Shah:
Okay. Let's get into it. I'm so pumped to debate this topic today because I've personally had a bunch of positive experiences with having my coworkers on social. I've gotten to know them better. I've learned things about their lives, been able to share in big life milestones that we probably don't get into over Zoom meetings. So I really would love to open my argument with the undeniable fact that social media is a tool to connect with coworkers more deeply. It helps me see them beyond just a Zoom square, or a Slack notification. It makes me more than just Rani from accounting. Disclaimer, I am not an accountant.

Christine Dela Rosa:
I was going to say.

Rani Shah:
But social media, it adds color. It adds context to people that you truly do spend most of your day with. So I wanted to ask you both, have you guys heard of the term ‘perceived proximity?’

Maren Hotvedt:
No.

Christine Dela Rosa:
No.

Rani Shah:
Okay. It's a psychological concept that basically means that you feel closer or more connected to people that you aren't as physically close to. So for example, I'm in New York City and we aren't exactly known for knowing our neighbors, even though I do hear them and see them all the time. I definitely feel more connected with my coworkers who live across the country, and this is because I have this opportunity to keep up with them on social media. I see their updates, their tweets, their lunch, and it makes me feel closer to them and who they want me to perceive them as.

Rani Shah:
And to learn more about all these wonderful ways social can bond us as teammates, I chatted with my guest, Susan McPherson. She runs a communications consultancy called McPherson Strategies. She recently also wrote a book called "The Lost Art of Connecting" and is a self-described 'serial connector.' Here's Susan.

Susan McPherson:
I have found in the last 15 years since we've had social media that it has been a gateway to learn more about the colleagues that I spend the greater percentage of my life with. For me, I have 15 employees. They are located all around the world and it gives me a window into what gives them joy. You might learn that you grew up in the same hometown. You might learn that you have an absolute love of speaking a foreign language that you both share. These are things in normal conversations at what we used to do at the water cooler wouldn't come up.

Susan McPherson:
So it's a way to build comradery, build relationships, and there are many companies – even pre-pandemic – that had disparate offices that you might never meet your colleagues. And this way you can.

Rani Shah:
So Susan brings up the pandemic and that's a great point. We've all experienced more distance between our teams over the past years, and social media can help us bridge that distance. You can see their pets, their meals, learn what they're up to. Like, one of my coworkers I'm super close to tweets about Jurassic Park. That's my favorite movie, and that sparks so many weird and wonderful conversations between us at work. And that's not a random example. I literally sent this exact same colleague a postcard for the holidays a few years ago with screenshots of all of her best Jurassic Park tweets.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Cute.

Rani Shah:
So shout out to Erica. And I even asked some of my friends in, like, a rogue text thread about their thoughts on adding coworkers on social media fully, fully expecting some pushback. But they agreed with me. One of my best friends who works remotely made a great point and she said, "I also feel like when I consider my colleagues friends, it helps everyone stay accountable to each other because we don't want to let them down or drop the ball." Having that real world connection outside of work means you can deepen those relationships, which can make the team cohesion even stronger.

Rani Shah:
So social media helps build a bridge and I think just makes the workplace a better place.

Christine Dela Rosa:
I really like what you just said there at the end, Rani, because it's more than "the right thing to do" to see people as whole people, as whole humans, but you brought it back to teamwork – how we interact with each other and how we see people impacts how we work together, how we are motivated as a team, how we come together. So this bridge you're talking about isn't just a bridge to go back and forth. It's a bridge to pull people together. Which I think is such a nice, heartwarming way to start this off.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Maren, what kind of positive things do you have on the con side for us?

Maren Hotvedt:
If by positive you mean broken bridges, then I'm here to talk about that.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Ready.

Maren Hotvedt:
So my first point is really, I think, the flip side of Rani's argument, which is that as much as social media has the potential to bring us together, there are so many stories of people discovering divides on social media that can create real awkwardness in the office. 14% of workers have found information on social media that has improved their professional opinion of a colleague. But at the same time, a similar share, 16%, have found information that has lowered their professional opinion of a colleague. I think it's really interesting.

Maren Hotvedt:
I've seen, since I started looking into this, so many examples of this where people are even taking to forums like Reddit to ask for advice about what to do. So I want to share one with you. This person said they've been at their company for three years and in their first year, one coworker added them on Facebook.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Great.

Maren Hotvedt:
Once they added one coworker, the other 15 added them and basically they had to accept at that point, right, or it would've been weird.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Even I think 15 is a lot.

Maren Hotvedt:
Yeah. It is a lot. And this person was posting on Reddit because now they said everything is very politicized on Facebook, and they've found that they have very different political leanings than the rest of their team.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Oh no.

Maren Hotvedt:
And so essentially they were trying to figure out how to politely and slowly block all of their coworkers without them knowing.

Christine Dela Rosa:
That's what I would do too and I'd be like...

Maren Hotvedt:
Like, I know, I know. I'd be like, how do I hide?

Christine Dela Rosa:
Yeah, I've done that.

Rani Shah:
The silent block.

Maren Hotvedt:
Yes. Exactly. And I think this is a real concern that pops up quite a bit, where when you're seeing this unfiltered version – or even a filtered version – of your coworkers' lives that doesn't necessarily align to your own values. You can find out information like politics that actually creates divides that translate to your working relationship. And this can be even worse if there's a power differential. If you're a boss or a manager, it may make employees feel that they have to add you, which can create all sorts of awkwardness.

Maren Hotvedt:
Can you imagine having to deliver performance feedback to somebody who just a few hours ago was laughing at a story of you kind of attempting to learn a TikTok dance or something?

Christine Dela Rosa:
I can, and I don't like it.

Maren Hotvedt:
I'd love to see that. I'll share one example that I think is very relatable. And this one is even juicier.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Perfect.

Maren Hotvedt:
So a worker shared, again on Reddit, that they had posted a story on Instagram essentially kind of lightly criticizing a gift from their boss.

Rani Shah:
I'm already cringing.

Maren Hotvedt:
Their coworker then screenshotted the post and sent it to their boss. Now, the gift was described as a "cheap wireless charger" and the person posted, "We can't pay you a competitive wage, but here's an off-brand wireless charger for all your hard work." Which, you know, not necessarily the most elegant thing to say, but fairly relatable, at least in my opinion. And after this poor person was ratted out, their supervisor told them, "It seems like you're ungrateful for the gift and your raise in January. I can't tell you what to post or what not to, but I just want to let you know it may negatively affect how your coworkers see you, and it makes me question your commitment to the company."

Christine Dela Rosa:
Oh my goodness.

Maren Hotvedt:
I know. I know. And the worst part is the coworker just tattle-tale-ing. I'm like, oh my gosh, guys. But the reason I like this example is this is really, to me, the post itself is the equivalent of sort of, "Ugh, Monday again." It's not bad. It's perfectly normal to not be super jazzed about work 100% of the time, and want to be able to express that, but also be committed to your job. And having a forum to mildly vent about work without causing harm to your career growth and relationships is important. But if you're connected to your coworkers, that becomes impossible.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Great point. Speaking to the judge.

Rani Shah:
Okay. I already have a response if that's okay.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Oh, perfect. Rani, let's hear your counter.

Rani Shah:
All right. So Maren, I read that story as well. Very juicy. And yes, it is a pretty harmless post with some pretty big fallout. But generally speaking, I feel like that person should have considered the risk before they posted that story. I feel like that's something we should do. No?

Maren Hotvedt:
Oh definitely. I'm not advocating that we should be able to publicly trash our workplaces, and it's certainly not something that I would do. But the story does highlight my larger point that you shouldn't connect with your coworkers, unless they're also your friends. It's fair for people to share frustrations with their closest friends, and had this person not been connected to their coworker, this would've been no big deal.

Rani Shah:
I agree with you about venting frustration. Here's the thing though. I think it's valuable to share that with your friends, your family, your circle – but not on social media. Because this is my second big point. What we post is never private, no matter what your privacy settings say, we can't control where that content ends up. So it's about being intentional about what we put online. So let me pose a question. Have either of you received a screenshot from a friend or coworker of someone else's message thread, or like what they've posted online?

Christine Dela Rosa:
Like today? Because that's like a daily occurrence for me.

Maren Hotvedt:
Yeah, definitely last week for sure.

Rani Shah:
Okay. Same here. So even if you don't have your coworkers on social media, this is a great example because it's a small world online. And even if you're not connected to your coworkers directly online, you might be connected to a coworker's friend, or cousin, or whatever.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Yeah.

Rani Shah:
I'm not saying we need to be paranoid about everything we do. It's just we need to be intentional, posting things that show you in a good light or at least in a way that you are comfortable with your network seeing. Because I really believe the boundaries between the different versions of ourselves don't exist anymore. There's no separation between who I am online and who I am in person. That's been long gone. And especially since the pandemic, there's really no longer a real divide between who I am at work and who I am outside of work. With social media and working from home, it's all one big self.

Rani Shah:
To back that up, I want to bring back my guest, Susan McPherson, the serial connector, because she's written about this belief where there is no work self any longer. I asked her what that means in her own life.

Susan McPherson:
Well, first of all, I'm standing in my kitchen. So, and I imagine, possibly I'm guessing you may be back at your office, but many of us are still sequestered in our homes. And I often say it is challenging enough to be one person. Why do we want to be two? You don't immediately shut off your work self when you come home. It doesn't mean that you don't turn off and have fun. I just meant the same person who turns off and has fun is the same person that shows up every day at McPherson Strategies.

Rani Shah:
So just like Susan said, yes, we have a different side of ourselves at work, but that doesn't mean we've left another side at home. So, that goes with your social media as well. It's all blurred anyways, so just be careful and curated about what you want to show off because it's going to come back to you at some point.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Got it. So after this, I will go back into my social media history and do a quick check, just for fun. Maren, distract me from what I am spiraling about in my head right now. How do you respond to this idea that there is no division between our online selves, or work selves, or any other part of ourselves anymore?

Maren Hotvedt:
So Rani, I hear you. It's definitely a blurry line, but I also think that we should be allowed to set boundaries and unplug in our downtime. There's this popular idea right now of bringing your full self to work, but there are plenty of things about people's full selves that their coworkers don't need to know. I talked about politics before and I think that's really kind of the most prevalent example. But there are a ton of other sensitive topics people find value in sharing online, but they might be inhibited to have those conversations if their colleagues are seeing their posts.

Maren Hotvedt:
One example I've been thinking about is a friend who posted about her miscarriage on Instagram. That's something that, yes, will live online forever. It's an important topic that she wants to talk about, but I could 100% understand if that's something that she wanted to share with her close friends and not necessarily with all of her coworkers. Boundaries are so important and you should be able to live your life outside of work without worrying if your boss is watching your stories, or how they're interpreting them more importantly.

Maren Hotvedt:
In "The State of Social Media in the Workplace" report from 2018, more than half of respondents said that they've decided against posting something because of a coworker. So Rani, very much in line with what you're saying. But at the same time, it just makes sense that if you're connected to coworkers on social media, you're going to be much less inclined to talk about your personal issues and the things that really matter to you. But I also want to get a professional to weigh in on this. So I spoke with an expert.

Christine Dela Rosa:
Oh nice.

Maren Hotvedt:

Dr. Casey Pierce is an assistant professor at the University of Michigan School of Information. I talked to her about the risks of blending your work self and personal self on social media, and here's part of our conversation.

When should you add colleagues on Facebook?

Is it OK to add a co worker on Facebook?

Should you be FB friends with coworkers?

Should you add work colleagues on social media?